For the past couple months, I have been going through an extended period of pretty constant low mood. Although I have been seeing a therapist to help with this for two years now, I have honestly never felt the way I have been as of late.
Of course, everyone goes through rough patches, and I myself have gone through very rough patches before (if this blog is any indication). However, this time it feels different. I feel like parts of my life are spinning out of control, as if I am doing everything wrong, and as if I am a burden to others and unwanted at the same time. Almost every day I wake up with my chest feeling heavy. I can be sitting on my couch feeling totally alright, and suddenly this feeling of deep sadness begins to seep into my body (sort of like bleeding watercolor). I know that sounds dramatic but it honestly feels like the only way to describe it. In moments where I am content, I can feel the sad beginning to creep in, and it hurts really badly.
Everyone processes low mood and depression differently, but for me the two are extremely tied to eating. And in multiple different ways.
First of all, when I am really sad, I never feel hungry. Although my family thinks it is a form of self inflicted punishment, and always tells me that I deserve to take care of myself, a big part of not eating when I am sad is that I just do not feel like it. A couple mornings this past month, I woke up feeling so nauseous that I could barely swallow a piece of toast to sustain me for the entire day. I couldn’t even finish a slice of my favorite chocolate cake that my dad went out to buy for me. Maybe it has to do with dehydration from crying (eek), or maybe it’s just that the big sad sitting inside my chest takes up too much room for anything else to really fit.
However, eating also comes into play in a more harmful and intentional way. Although I feel really ashamed to share this with you all, here is a note I wrote into my phone on March 7, 2020:
“Sometimes I wish I could have my eating disorder back so I would have something to focus on. Or so I can actually feel in control and powerful.”
Of course, when reflecting on this quote in a calmer state of mind, I know that I don’t want my ED back (or at least the part before I was in recovery, as I feel like my ED hasn’t necessarily left me yet). I value my recovery and all the process I have made so far, and all the people who have supported me along the way. I am not sharing this note to prompt pity or consolation or concern, but rather to show that sometimes low moods can be so strong they bring back behaviors that are harmful to us. Although I am ashamed that as of so recently I would have these thoughts, I do not necessarily blame myself. I have been going through a time in which it feels like everything in my life is happening to me rather than because of me, and I do not think it is wrong or absurd to yearn for control and power. I feel pretty small and insignificant. Obviously, I think EDs give people a false sense of power (because in truth the illness is what is controlling everything), but in all honesty I think I have just been desperate.
Although this post has been hard to write, it felt important to share with you all. Of course, I am not perfect, and I do struggle with reverting back to behaviors that hurt me. I feel like I have not been the best version of myself recently, and writing on this blog helps hold me accountable and makes me feel like I can improve.
At the same time, I am finding comfort in the things that do feel constant and happy, and I am trying to regain a sense of control and balance in a way that is healthier for me. I have many people in my life who really love me, and who I really love back, and just thinking about that makes me feel so much better. I have actually gained some weight, which I believe is a good thing (although it is also hard and scary… but I think that is for another blog post). I have been taking time away from working to just be with myself and take care of myself. I have been trying to learn some of my favorite songs on the guitar. I have developed new friendships and reconnected with people I haven’t talked to in a while. Even though some of these things are pretty small and no big deal, they make me feel happy, and I am now trying to never take that feeling for granted.
Love, Mira
My Fast 