Today marks two years since my diagnosis with anorexia nervosa. I feel quite different then I did a year ago on July 19th. On July 19th, 2018, I woke up thinking about my ED and about how far I’d come, how much I’d battled in the past year. I immediately ran to my computer to write something and get in on the blog. Today I woke up without thinking about much more than grabbing a cup of coffee, only realizing what day it was many hours later. As if my diagnosis was some forgotten holiday or anniversary. I hadn’t written on this blog since April, and I felt guilty about forgetting. I’m not sure why.
Maybe I feel like I owe it to myself to remember and celebrate this day: a marker of my strength and resilience. I should recall my diagnosis and feel proud of how far I’ve come. My struggle should not be something I just push under the rug and try to move on from. It’s a huge part of who I am and who I have been for the past two years.
Or maybe I feel like I need to remember this day because my struggle is far from over. Sometimes I wake up with a weight on my chest so heavy that it is hard to breathe. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in a dark, thick cloud and I can’t really see or feel or remember anything that makes me feel calm and happy. It’s not exactly an ED anymore, but remnants of what happened that still poison my mind and health and wellbeing. Forgetting my diagnosis is like saying nothing is wrong anymore. Not writing on my blog is like saying nothing is wrong anymore. I know that isn’t true, and I think July 19th forced me to recognize this after long periods of denial. I am not sick anymore, but recovery is a long process, and healing is a long process. These past two years have been really hard for me but very healing as well; however, I know it is going to take a lot longer for July 19th to have no meaning at all. Maybe that year will never come.
I may have tried to forget this day to prove that I am more than my ED. I have moved on. I am successful in other aspects of life. I have grown and healed enough to be a whole person again.
Although it is hard to convince myself of this, I know I don’t need to forget my ED to be all the things I want to. I can still be successful and healthy and whole while remembering everything I overcame and acknowledging everything I still need to overcome. July 19th can be a marker of my strength and a reminder of all the strength I still need to live my life every day. I am okay with that.
P.S. If you are reading this, thank you for another year of love and support.
My Fast 