Note: I wanted to write and publish this piece around a month ago, during Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I wasn’t able to get it out then because I just wasn’t feeling inspired to write, and I think it is important not to force these blog posts. Anyways, here it is now!
A few weeks ago I began volunteering with San Francisco’s chapter of Project Heal, a nonprofit organization dedicated to raising awareness and funds for eating disorder treatments, services, and community healing. One of my project managers asked me to help them launch a social media campaign for Eating Disorder Awareness Week, which began on February 25th. This year’s theme was “Come As You Are,” and I was asked to help interview and write about a wide variety of people with exposure to eating disorders and body image issues. The campaign, and theme, were put in place to emphasize that there is no “typical” identity subject to eating disorders, and that it is important to value the stories of people with different relationships to food, recovery, and self-acceptance.
In being asked to write about other people’s ideas of “come as you are,” I realized that some self-reflection on the topic might be necessary. It forced me to ask the (pretty cliche) question of “Where am I?” I had accept the fact that my answer is blurry: I don’t really know where I am in recovery, and sometimes it feels like I am not recovered at all.
Where am I?
Some days, it feels like I never even had an eating disorder. The days where I grab ice cream at 3 pm with my friends, or when I spontaneously decide to skip track practice because I just feel too tired. I feel free on the days where I can sit down and talk at meals, and enjoy them. And when I wake up and the first thing I think about is not breakfast. When I stare at my blog and feel like there is nothing to write about anymore.
Other days, it feels like I haven’t even been diagnosed yet. Those are the days when I weigh myself before dinner, saying it is just a “personal check-in” but knowing it is not something I have to do. Or when I make myself workout before eating lunch, or just decide not to eat lunch at all. I don’t feel recovered when I fight about food with my parents, or when I think about my meals hours in advance.
When weighing the experiences, positive and negative, I sometimes feel alarmed and think that my eating disorder is something that will stay with me forever. To be honest, it probably will. But maybe I don’t have to be alarmed by that.
I’ve used my experience with my eating disorder as a way to help others, and every day it tests my personal strength. I’ve started a club at my school to try and educate others on mental health, and I write this blog to share my story in hopes that someone might relate to it, or feel more comfortable with themselves after reading it. I run everyday and remind myself to eat good meals after, to prove to everyone that I can be an athlete with a mental illness. I support friends when they come to me with questions, big or small.
Each evening before I go to bed, I can give myself a pat on the back and say “You did a good job today Mira. You fought against something so hard for so long, and are still fighting, but you are definitely coming out on top.” Every day I have to fight against something that most people do not even know is there, and I think that makes me pretty damn strong.
Just because my eating disorder is still there does not to mean I cannot recover. I think recovery will mark a time when, every day, I can confront my old habits and act against them, without second thought. Where things that used to make me anxious have no impact on me anymore. Where I can accept my eating disorder as a part of my identity and learn from it, and not let it get in the way of living and enjoying life.
I am definitely getting there, I know I am.
My Fast 