Excuses

Written July 2017:

        I was supposed to leave for camp three days after i was diagnosed with an eating disorder. I told my friends, family, and practically anyone who asked about my summer. It became apparent after that Wednesday appointment at the UCSF Weill Institute for Neurosciences that I would not be able to attend. People didn’t trust me. I don’t even know if I trust myself.

        This left me in an inescapable and confusing predicament. I had to make the decision between lying or telling the truth, or searching through that hazy in-between of the two for something I found comfort in. This is easier said than done.

I’ve been plagued with the stress of interaction, small talk, being who I am. The feeling you get when caught up in a lie, begging your words to work their way out for you. I feel this way every second of every day. I dread speaking to the next person, wondering what they will ask about my plans. Wondering how I will respond.

I’m sick of making excuses.